How can I explain to my sister that we’re not having ANY children in our wedding ceremony–not even her kids?
I am getting married this summer. Our wedding is going to be traditional and fairly formal. My fiance and I decided from the start that it would be an adult-only affair. He has several small children on his side of the family, and I only have a few. We made our decision clear and everyone seemed fine with as past family weddings have also been adults-only. (I, myself, did not attend a wedding until I was 19.) I know many people feel that weddings should always include children because they are part of the family, but our wedding is not going to be kid-appropriate due to the time of day it is taking place and because we’re having an open-bar at the reception. Everyone we have talked to is more than happy to leave their children at home for one night and enjoy a kid-free celebration. I love children–especially my two nieces!–but I’ve never had any desire to have flower girls or ring bearers in my wedding.
All of a sudden my sister is furious that her two daughters (currently aged 10 months and 3 years) are not going to be included in the wedding ceremony or invited to the reception. The youngest will not even be two years old at the time of the wedding. My sister is also the MOH and I didn’t think it would be easy for her to take care of her children AND serve as the MOH at the same time. However, my sister is convinced that my decision was made because I don’t love her or her children and therefore do not want them involved. We are not going to change our decision and are confused as to why she is suddenly making this such an issue. At this point she is not speaking to me and claiming I am making the biggest mistake of my life by not including her children. It is obvious that it’s really about her wanting her children to be in the spotlight.
Has anyone else had a similar problem with family and children in their wedding? How can I better explain our decision without enraging her further?
Yes, insurancelady82, my sister is used to being the center of attention and she gets visibly annoyed when topic of discussion turns away from her and her children and focuses on my wedding plans. When I first got engaged and initially started talking about wedding plans she was completely fine with her children not being in the ceremony and said it would make the day “easier and a lot more fun” for her and her husband. It is only recently that her attitude changed.
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17 comments
emilyy, on March 10, 2010 at 6:32 am
Tell her that its your wedding and this is the way you want it.
My cousin has three kids. Her oldest is 6. She was all ‘I want my daughter to be one of the flower girls when you and Joe get married’. I simply told her no. We had already picked who we wanted.
TAlex88 on March 10, 2010 at 7:19 am
Personally I think not having kids is rude and unnecessary. There is nothing wrong with having kids at the reception. just give them a corner and have a kiddie table with kiddie food and snacks and things and they’ll be fine. Trust me.
Cassie B on March 10, 2010 at 7:21 am
I had an adult only wedding reception for the same reasons you want one. My neice and nephew were both included in the ceremony though, they are very close to us and I couldn’t imagine not wanting them there. Look at it from your sister point of view, her kids are the most important people in the world to her she is assuming if you loved them you would want them there for the most important day of your life. I would compromise and have them as part of the ceremony but ask her to find a sitter for the reception. It’s your wedding but it’s not a reason to be selfish and break family ties.
The_Oracle on March 10, 2010 at 8:14 am
why can’t children come??? They are our future… that’s “age-ism” or something =P I’m starting an equal rights movement over this, lol
shar1080us on March 10, 2010 at 8:43 am
Are you putting don’t bring ur kids on ur wedding invitations also???
Strawberry on March 10, 2010 at 9:37 am
Honestly, I’m not sure how you can further explain this to your sister. I think adult-only weddings are fine for the reception part and I respect and understand people that do it.
However, coming from a close-knit family, I understand why your sister is upset. These are your nieces, your sister’s flesh and blood. They’re not cousins or children of friends or distant relatives. They’re more than that and I think your sister feels that you’re not including two very important people…..your nieces.
Have you thought of coming to a compromise? What’s the harm in having them go to just the ceremony. I don’t think people will be too upset, if they’re the only kids there, because they are your niece and are more important than non-family members or distant family members.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear and I again, I understand your reasons for doing this. I would never take my kids to a wedding that they were not invited too. However, I have one sibling and I would be furious if he did not invite my children. I think my brother rejecting his own nieces/nephews at his wedding just crosses the line. I’m his sister after all!
Inviting your two nieces is far different than inviting the everyone else’s children. I know when a friend of mine was recently married, she only invited her niece and no other kids. No kids of friends, no small cousins, no kids of distant relatives. ONLY her nieces. Why? Those were her sister’s kids!
I just urge you to reconsider, it’s only two little girls and you would be under no obligation to have them attend the reception and you’d be under no obligation to invite anyone else’s kids. But, at least let them attend the ceremony, get dressed up and take a few cute pictures with them and your sister.
If the answer is still NO, then you just have to be firm with your sister. These are her kids and your her sister. She feels poorly that you don’t see your own nieces an expection to the rule or worthy to attend your wedding.
You’ll never change her mind either. So, stand your ground and just be ready for her to be upset with you for a while.
insurancelady82 on March 10, 2010 at 10:12 am
When I was younger, my cousin made the same decision and had a child free wedding. I was 16, but still considered too young to go. I was a little miffed, but old enough to understand why.
For whatever reason, your sister is taking this as a personal attack, and she needs to realize that this day isn’t about her. I’m guessing she’s used to be the center of attention and can’t deal with the fact that our wedding is about you. I have a feeling that even if you did make her children have a part in the wedding, she would try to upstage you that way.
If she’s being this immature, than you need to consider picking out a different person as your maid of honor. Have you tried having your mom try to intervene and help her realize she’s being ridiculous or is that not a possiblity? Her attitude is going to cause her to miss out on your big day, and she needs to change her views, or be dropped from the wedding party.
Rags on March 10, 2010 at 10:53 am
Hon,
You don’t have to include your nieces, nor do you have to try and explain your decision at length. Your sister understands very well and is simply mad about your choice. That’s too bad. I know you might feel bad because of your sister’s reaction, but that is not your burden to bear. You are not being unreasonable. Do your best to handle her graciously, but be assured it’s okay to have an adult-only wedding.
I hope you have a lovely day and a lovely life.
Aim on March 10, 2010 at 11:32 am
I don’t really see the harm in allowing kids at the actual wedding but i’m with you on the no kids at the reception thing. My reception will also be no children allowed. It seems like your sis is making this a bigger issue than necessary. Children are bored out of there skulls at receptions there is absolutely nothing for them to do there. As a child i think i went to like 50 and every time i ended up in some sort of trouble because when kids get bored they do strange things. I find it strange that your sister wouldn’t jump on a chance for a free night of adults only fun…she nor anyone else is gonna want to play babysitter at that reception….
My final thought: i say invite the kids to the wedding they don’t have to be in it just ok them coming to the ceremony. Your sister will get the thrill of dressing them up like princesses and having all of you guests comment on how pretty they are and you my dear will be able to shut her up.
Banana on March 10, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Your wedding not hers
Messykatt on March 10, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Yikes! I don’t think your decision needs any further explaining whatsoever! More and more people are opting for childfree events.
I don’t know if she’s always been like this or not, but I’d tackle this directly, politely and firmly. Just point out that many people choose to do it as you have, it’s non-negotiable, the discussion is over, and if she won’t speak to you you’d hate for this to happen, but you’re going to have to find another MOH. And then make it clear if she still wants to be your MOH, you’re thrilled but this topic is off the table.
She’s acting like a 5 year old on the playground who just lost her lollipop.
beetlemilk on March 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm
That’s your pregogative if you want an adult only affair. You are not going to get thru that decision without enraging people. Personally if I were your sis I’d step down as MOH and not attend your wedding. You are coming across extremely diva-ish and selfish if you feel that your limelight will be outshone by a 10 and 3 year old.
I get the idea of fairness, but this is immediate family and I would react the same way.
My sis pulled a lot of diva like behavior at her wedding in August, we still don’t speak. In fact I moved, she hasn’t seen the new house (she’s local). I invited her. And she has not given her nephews b-day gifts though I gave my neice her b-day gift 9 days before my 4 yr old’s b-day. My b-day is Thanksgiving, and my mother asked my sis well your sis wants you to come see her house and it will be her b-day, my sis said no I’m working (but its 3-11).
She is jealous and petty and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life and you sound just like her.
At her wedding, she had me pay for two of my kids plates, cut me out of all decisions and planning, I felt like a financial backer. Her bridal shower was awesome that I gave her and funded more than my share. At the rehearsal dinner there wasn’t a table at all set up for my family and we had to wait for that, I almost left. The other bridesmaid did not pull her weight for the bridal shower she overtook everything and even jumped up and gave the speech so I did not do that. They had a bachelorette party without me, did their hair and nails without me. My son is 9 days younger than her daughter and he wasn’t in the wedding though she reluctantly said my kids could come but thru a hissy fit this is my wedding no the photographer is not to take any pictures of your kids at all. At my wedding she got loads of pics done for her family.
ETA
I don’t think its going to smooth over. Since initially she was fine with the decision, suggest pointing that out. Be firm with your decision, don’t waiver or compromise. I would not dwell on it, the decisions been made and that is that.
I would confront her about MOH. I suggest getting things out on the table now while you still have time to replace her if need be. I would say, as you know the decision to have an adult only wedding has been made and that isn’t changing. I understand that you are upset about this, however we aren’t making exceptions. Don’t apologize. Now regarding MOH, given how things are, are you comfortable with this and can fulfill the MOH role fullheartedly or would you rather not? Of course I would like you to be MOH otherwise I wouldn’t have asked, but given the confusion about the wedding being adult only I wanted to give you an out without any hard feelings.
firstborn females (your sis it sounds like) like to be in charge, the boss, are stubborn, and have a strong desire for fairness, and like to push around younger sibs who resent it
youngest females tend to be very egocentric, me, me, me, greedy, and resentful and jealous of older sisters (you it sounds like)
It’s pretty much an oil and water combo
the suggestion about having your mom intervene, that is a bad idea. you don’t want any more opportunity for communication lines to be a misfire, plus its not fair to have mom in the middle. I would not talk bad about your sis to your mom at all (most mom’s will let things slip, and may not be exactly what you said). This is an invitation for things to get worse. And if your mom begins to tell you things your sis said, don’t react, and don’t listen to it.
MM on March 10, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Oh, dear. I’m not sure you can do anything other than repeat “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Maybe you could add that you love your nieces and want to continue to spend time with and celebrate them on appropriate occasions, and you hope your sister won’t make the mistake of cutting you out of her and their lives because of what they would probably perceive as one very long and probably not terribly enjoyable day. (I was a flower girl when I was about 7, and the pretty dress really wasn’t worth having to sit through the ceremony.) She may not listen – and if she doesn’t, you’re probably going to have to find a new MOH – but if she won’t listen to reason, your only other option is to cave, and that would cause a whole bunch of resentment on all sides.
Libby on March 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Your sister is insanely full of herself. Children don’t belong at formal events!! If she wants an event that involves her children, she should take them to Chuck E Cheese. Not everywhere in the world is kid-friendly, nor should it be.
Some of our guests had young children, but I informed them early on that we’d be providing a sitter. If I hadn’t, none of them would have gotten irate over the fact that that we didn’t want kids. They would have hired their own sitters without complaint. Our friends/husband’s sister are all grown ups who realize the world does not revolve around THEIR kids.
If I was in your shoes, I’d say, “Sis, I love you, but I don’t understand why you’re trying to rain on my wedding day because I’m asking you to leave the kids at home for a few hours. If our positions were reversed, I would hire a sitter and not think twice. None of our other guests who have kids have any problem with this. You’re the only one.”
You know that saying about teaching a pig to sing? Yeah, that applies here.
Nora on March 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm
tell her you do not want her or her children in the wedding she is extremely selfish
Helicreature on March 10, 2010 at 4:25 pm
This question made me sad. We had an open bar for 24 hours at our very formal Military wedding. I am at a complete loss as to what my Darling brother and sister-in-law would have thought of us had we not invited their little boy – my nephew for goodness sake! – to our wedding. Weddings ARE family occasions. They are thrilling for children and a wedding without them must be so sterile. You cannot ‘explain’ your position to your sister because it is indefensible and if you carry this kind of intransigence into your marriage you have a lot of unhappiness and loneliness in front of you.
Cat Lover on March 10, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Years ago, people would never dream of taking very young children to a wedding! I just can’t understand why parents today think they should be able to drag their kids to every single thing they go to.
Tell your sister you love the little ones, but this is an adult occasion, and children are not allowed. If she gets mad, so be it. It is your day. She sounds like an impossible person